HOUSEISMS & QUOTES1. I don't ask why patients lie, I just assume they all do.
2. I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask.
3. ...there's no I in 'team'. There is a me, though, if you jumble it up.
4. I was never that great a math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?
5. Humanity is overrated.
6. Tests take time. Treatment's quicker.
7. Patients sometimes get better. You have no idea why, but unless you give a reason they won't pay you. Anybody notice if there's a full moon? ... let's rule out the lunar god and go from there.
8. Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up.
9. That's a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.
10. Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots cause we can't figure out what's causing it.
11. Never met a diagnostic study I couldn't refute.
12. If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right.
13. If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin.
14. There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.
15. You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a- I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
16. Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite.
17. Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.
18. Someone's gonna be miserable someone's it. That's how I stay so happy.
19. My friends call me 'the cane.' Even before I messed up my leg.
20. Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, fun at parties.
21. Candy canes? Are you mocking me?
22. You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a....I cant think of a non-sexual metaphor...
23. Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.
24. Do I know how to pick great cases or what?
25. Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
26. First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.
27. Everybody lies.
28. No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic.
29. People don´t change.
30. Never is just reven spelled backwards.
31. Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can’t always get what you want'.
32. I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am THAT good.
33. Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.
34. The Cripple Boys. We should start a band.
35. Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."
36. Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."
House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
37. Foreman: "You stash your drugs in a Lupus text book."
House: "It's never Lupus."
38. I've been a Doctor for years why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?
39. We breed these superbugs, now they're all grown up and they got body peircings and a lot of anger.
40. We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.
41. I ask you, is almost dying any reason for not being fun?
42. That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care.
43. I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell.
44. Nun: "Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real."
House: "I thought that was a job requirement for you people."
45. New is good. Because old ended in death.
46. Time doesn't change anything. Doing things changes things. Not doing things, leave things just the way they were.
47. If you're happy, I'm...
48. Wilson: "You ever tighten a guitar string really really slowly? It makes this sound...Almost like a screamm.... Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek"
49. Faith; that's another word for ignorance, isn't it? I've never understood how people can be so proud of believing in something with no proof at all, like that's an achievement.
50. She insisted she wasn't going to change her mind, which means she's thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mother, which means she's not ready to be a mother, which means she's gonna change her mind.
51. That top makes you look like an afgani prostitute.
52. Amber "Take my deal or get out of my apartament"
House"Take my deal, or I move in"
53. It's called a White Board for a reason. (GOVORI FOREMANU)
54. Thirteen: "She's not a liar".
House: "Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology".
55. House: "Husband described her as being unusually irritable recently".
Dr. Cameron: "And . . . ?"
House: "I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be "unusually" irritable".
56. Did you get a raise? Because then you're a whore. Or you didn't, because then you're a stupid whore.
57. Michael Tritter: Merry Christmas
House: And a Happy Go-to-Hell
58. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.
59. Dr. Wilson: Of course you're type AB. Universal recipient. You take from everybody.
House: Course, you're Type O, Universal Donor. No wonder you're paying three alimonies.
60. I finally have a case of Lupus.
61. Dwarf: are you high?
House: higher than you!
62. I have a position available on my penis
63. Livers are important. You can't live without them, hence the name.
64. Your eyes seem lopsided, and by your eyes I mean your breasts.
65. Where´s my bicodine???
66. You know when they say you can't live without love? well, air is even more important.
67. She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
68. House: 'Can we still not perform autopsies on living patients?'
Cuddy: 'Are you high?'
House: 'If it's Tuesday I'm wasted.'
69. Foreman – “You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.”
House – “Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.”
70. Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail.
71. I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear.
72. Chase – “If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.”
House – “Tell that to all the hookers who won’t kiss me on the mouth.”
73. Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She’s trying to impress her new sex-retary.
74. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.
75. She’s a great psychiatrist…one session and I’ve got shrinkage.
76. And you’re worried the tumor might overhear and realize we’re onto it.
77. Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse alphabetically.
78. I’ve died and gone to diagnostic heaven.
79. Ladies and gentleman! I have nothing in my hands. Nothing in my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but it’s not going to help with this particular trick.
80. Cuttroath bitch: Why did you hire her?
House: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.
81. If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, the wrong profession…the wrong species.
82. If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved and they better be working their way through college.
83. Keep him in the isolation room so he doesn’t pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses.
84. And I know when my Vicodin isn’t Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren’t birth control pills?
85. Read less, more TV.
86. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
House: Nonexistent... otherwise, excellent.
87. Wilson: I love my wife.
House: You certainly love saying it.
88. I've got a cane and I'm not afraid to use it.
89. How does someone just start drooling? Chase? Were you wearing your short shorts?
90. Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.
91. I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end.
92. Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient on the other hand is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually that idiot'll probably forgive you.
93. I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on her way to being dead.
94. Eulogy, derived from the Greek for 'good word.' Now if she'd asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to.
95. Just because we call something "poison", doesn't mean it's bad for you.
96. From now on, I'll use two markers; only the green one will indicate irony.
97. Have you tried to pee on yourself in public? Not easy.
98. If you're here to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.
99. She's faking. The cat told me.
100. Of course I've heard of your cat. For a second, I was worried you were crazy.
101. You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one; photos on my blog.
102. When have teachers ever known how to motivate their students?
103. They've explained the return policy, right? It's worse than video games.
104. Judgments are never made in a vacuum.
105. First rule of triage: guys with guns go first.
106. I'm trying to decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker.
107. Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.
108. My balls. Have you seen my balls? The giant one and the red one.
109. Everyone in this room knows exactly how this will play out. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable so I'll stop trying to make you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery.
110. Why are you dressed like that? Why are you trying so hard to get my attention?
111. He should check his pants: I think we might have an anal hygiene violation.
112. His doctor's busy teaching him how to blink out 'kill me' in morse code.
113. Aww, yeah. Penthouse forum meets medical mystery, maybe there is a God.
114. You're just upset that the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing diagnostic skills.
115. Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... just about anything.
116. Haven't sat on this couch in four months. It still remembers my cheeks.
117. What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?
118. You're taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust?
119. Proving that you're a better mom than a homeless drug addict.
120. This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.
121. Gotta let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple.
122. You want a man to put his finger there, gonna have to marry him first.
123. Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means you know I'd find nothing... Or you know I'd find something, so you're hoping I'll assume the former and not bother to look.
124. Why's our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?
125. I prefer the less subtle answer: 'You were right, House,'
126. Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand.
127. He's a lawyer, not an idiot.
128. He likes to reenact the Battle of Ypres three times a week, with real gas.
129. Relax, your nose isn't big, it's just conspicuous.
130. Never trust a dog.
131. What does that make you, a quadruple agent?
132. Our new patient: part girl, part boy, all Thirteen's dream date.
133. I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
134. Okay I admit it: I have bulimia. But I look good, don't I?
135. I'm not breathing, but that's strictly voluntary.
136. So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attack that wasn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome case or what?
137. And you don't want to work so just go buy me a lotto ticket. The sicker he gets the luckier I feel.
138. So, other than it can't see, it's a perfectly good eye.
139. I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit.
140. Hey I was just talking about you. Well, not about you specifically -- about Whores and hypocrisy.
141. So the fact that it makes no sense makes sense?
142. Religion is not the opiate of the masses; religion is the placebo of the masses.
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